Feed aggregator
No “military victory from either side” in Sudan war
Mohy Omer on Sudan’s war two years in – no clear victory in sight, but is there still a chance for negotiations?
Categories: South Asia
The Hawaii of Israel: How Trump legitimised a longstanding Israeli vision
Israel has long envisoned the transfer of Gaza's Palestinians. Now this dangerous idea has gained legitimacy.
Categories: South Asia
In brief Easter appearance at Vatican, Pope Francis urges Gaza ceasefire
Pontiff had been increasingly vocal about Israel’s military campaign in Gaza before being hospitalised with pneumonia.
Categories: South Asia
Everything you need to know about Iran-US nuclear negotiations
After 'constructive' high-level talks come 'technical discussions' to move the negotiations along.
Categories: South Asia
US is “seeking maximum concessions from Iran”
“Trump's business-like approach to diplomacy is counterproductive”.
Categories: South Asia
Thousands gather for centuries-old Holy Fire ceremony in Jerusalem
Orthodox Christians celebrate Holy Fire tradition in Jerusalem, passing miraculous flame in the ancient basilica.
Categories: South Asia
US attacks on Yemen tell Iran that US is “eyeing confrontation”
The US is negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program while bombing its allies, says Professor Hassan Ahmadian.
Categories: South Asia
US air strikes pound Yemen
Video shows US air strikes pounding Yemen’s capital, Sanaa, just days after the US bombed Hodeidah’s airport
Categories: South Asia
Week in Pictures: From Serbia student protests to anti-US rallies in Yemen
A roundup of some of last week’s events.
Categories: South Asia
Soyuz MS-26 spacecraft brings NASA, Russia astronauts back to earth
Landing on the steppes of Kazakhstan coincides with US astronaut Donald Pettit’s 70th birthday.
Categories: South Asia
Russia-Ukraine war: List of key events, day 1,151
These are the key events on day 1,151 of Russia’s war on Ukraine.
Categories: South Asia
Who is Vaibhav Suryavanshi, the 14-year-old who stunned the IPL on debut?
Everyone in world cricket is talking about Vaibhav Suryavanshi, the Indian player who made a dazzling IPL debut at 14.
Categories: South Asia
In 1859, a South African declared himself emperor of the United States
Elon Musk wasn't the first to shape the national conversation. Joshua Norton, a San Francisco cult figure, was.
Categories: South Asia
Vaibhav Suryavanshi breaks record for youngest IPL debutant at 14
At 14 years and 23 days, Vaibhav Suryavanshi made an immediate impact for Rajasthan by scoring 34 runs against Lucknow.
Categories: South Asia
Doncic, Lakers lose to Timberwolves in Game 1 of playoffs
Timberwolves shot 50% from the three-point line to inflict a heavy defeat on the Los Angeles Lakers in playoff opener.
Categories: South Asia
Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science’
The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.
Johnson and Hancock’s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’
A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s ‘doing the exact opposite’ research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:
– The ‘delay in taking any action whatsoever’ strategy
– The ‘not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy
– The ‘Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group’ strategy
– The ‘let’s go for herd immunity’ strategy
– The ‘don’t bother with facemasks’ strategy
– The ‘we’re not listening to the WHO’ strategy
– The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it’ strategy
– The ‘abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown’ strategy
– The ‘let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead’ strategy
The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn’t have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.
‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject’, said the spokseperson. ‘However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’
Categories: Fake News
Fears for life expectancy in Scotland triggered by Scottish Widows getting so much younger
Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.
Experts in looking at women and assessing their relative ages examined Scottish Widows adverts over the past few decades and have declared that they are definitely getting younger. Professor Iain James explained, ‘We went back all of the way to the the 1980s and had a stab at guessing the ages of each Scottish Widow smirking knowingly in her black hooded cape.
‘What we found was shocking. Firstly, there was not one wrinkly old Scottish Widow with missing teeth in her 70s. There was one who might have been in her late forties, but her skin was as smooth as a plump haggis and her perfect white teeth glistened in the Glasgow rain.
‘But I’m afraid it gets much sexier. You can see that every few years each one is replaced with a younger model: Early forties; then late thirties; and by the 2010s she is early thirties, tops.
‘In the latest Scottish Widows advert she looks about 23. That can’t mean anything else other than the men they were married to are dying much, much younger than we had previously dared consider.
‘At these rates, we estimate the population of Scotland will be -17 in 2041.’
Categories: Fake News
Random story generator deployed at The Sun
It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:
A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.
Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].
[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”
We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.
Categories: Fake News
