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FIFA brings in Kirstie Allsop to makeover ‘austere’ pitch technical areas
After complaints from team managers about a woeful lack of facilities and comfort in the technical areas at this year’s competition, FIFA has said it will make some changes once the group stage of the World Cup is completed.
FIFA spokesman, Jan Williams, says: ‘We agree, the current technical areas won’t do. They’re just two painted oblongs on the grass but with no technical facilities whatsoever. Hopeless really.’
‘So we’re remedying that immediately and have commissioned Kirstie Allsop to make them over. She already suggested we install a desk, chair and laptop to enable something more ‘technical’ to happen.’
‘Also,’ continues Williams, ‘there will be a side table and fridge with some basic provisions so coaches can maybe knock up a sandwich if they get a bit peckish as the game progresses.’
Speaking at a press conference in Moscow an excited Allsop explained: ‘The current TAs smack of salt mines and cold grey Russian austerity so I’m introducing additional soft furnishings.’
‘We’re fitting some curtains across the width of each one for some privacy and we’re matching these with a nice three-seater sofa should the coaches wish to entertain guests during the game.’
England Gaffer, Gareth Southgate, is said to be delighted by the proposed changes. He told Gary Lineker: ‘I’ve spoken to Kirstie and asked specifically for a leather armchair, mahogany desk, hat stand and velvet smoking jacket to be provided for our games to completely Anglicise my area and to make me and the lads feel more at home.’
Categories: Fake News
PM rallies nation and rescues culture with epic Cabaret reworking
Instead of running the country and making decisions which would have saved tens of thousands of lives, the Prime Minister has been busy tending to his true passion of remaking the classic hit musical ‘Cabaret’
“It has been my lifelong ambition to bring the tried and tested ideological ideals of 1932 Germany to stage, screen and British politics,” oozed a glassy-eyed Boris Johnson with a thousand yard stare, arms crossed behind his back and unconsciously clicking his heels together
“My glorious reinterpretation will be called ‘Cabinet’, written by me, directed by me, starring me, and reviewed in the press by me as a world-beating all-round world-beater, with me as King. And the genius of it is that it does away with characters who are foreign, foreign sounding, or even a teensy bit foreign looking”
“The plot opens with a tribute to the First Realm of British Empire, transitioning into the celebrated Second Realm with a matriarchal leader called Margaret Thatcher, and climaxing splendidly with a thousand year Third Realm led by – well – me“
“The song ‘Money, Money’ will feature throughout as a leitmotiv, reminding everyone what it’s all about”
“The part of the Emcee in the rather erotic number ‘Two Ladies’ will be played by a reclining Jacob Rees-Mogg, heavily made up in false eyelashes, ruby lipstick, and sexily clad in stockings and suspenders, closely accompanied by the 2 literally strapping young ladies Dildo Hardin and Loose Truss. But then, he springs up into a high-kicking goose-stepping routine of song and dance, which brings us right into my glorious Third Realm – Huzzaaaah!”
“The closing scene and grand finale of ‘Tomorrow Belongs To Us’ being taught to school children is so powerful that it will be retained, and indeed made law in schools throughout England”
This somewhat too realistic film “Cabinet” will be released soon, rather sooner than you think
Sinnick & SteveB
Categories: Fake News
Man with huge collection of 12 inch rulers denies having foot fetish. More soon.
Categories: Fake News
‘Hancock genius’ remark signals Rees-Mogg’s return to frontline politics
Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.
The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.
On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’
‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’
Categories: Fake News
Probe into false Amazon reviews given six stars
Regulators have been analysing reviews on Amazon to determine whether the internet giant is allowing false product claims to exist on its website or is just avoiding paying any tax. ‘We found that Amazon did a fair job – five stars,’ said one (verified) investigator. ‘Too good to be true – five stars and thanks for the bonus’ said another.
The EU has been checking into the financial affairs of Amazon for some time. ‘Cheeky, unorthodox, great Tesla btw,’ was the final report headline.
Categories: Fake News
CO2 shortage proves there’s no global warming, say morons
Angry people across the UK have lifted their knuckles from the ground and demanded answers as to why there is apparently a shortage of carbon dioxide for drinks plants, when scientists and other lefties have been telling them for years that the world is getting hotter because there is too much of it.
‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said Nigel Walker, two arms and a penis from Chelmsford. ‘The barman at the Fox & Geese tells us last night they’re going to run out of lager by the weekend if they don’t get some more of this CO-whatsit stuff delivered. Then all these ‘so-called experts’ are saying there’s more in the air than ever before. Someone’s got to be lying – stands to sense, dunnit?’
Manufacturers have warned that both beer and lemonade could be in short supply, leading to panic buying among World Cup watchers who fear that they may otherwise be reduced to drinking real ale and forcing the kids to have water. Many are angry that this is happening on the hottest day of the year so far, when carbon dioxide levels should be the highest if those ivory tower boffins had any common sense.
Professor Geoffrey Roberts of the University of York said: ‘Let’s do this slowly. Atmospheric carbon dioxide is completely separate from pressurised carbon dioxide, which is currently in short supply because of factory maintenance shutdowns and a peak in demand, which has … no, actually let’s not bother. Life’s too short.’
‘Tell you what, if you want to make your own, put a hose on the end of your car exhaust and sit inside it with the engine running. It smells lovely too. Strictly speaking that’s carbon monoxide but there’s only one oxygen atom’s difference and let’s face it, most people in Britain are oxygen thieves anyway.’
Categories: Fake News
Complete banker now in charge of the NHS
Categories: Fake News
Government credibility found in a Kent bus shelter
A member of the public has found the government’s remaining small shred of credibility in a bus shelter in Kent.
‘I almost didn’t see it, but somehow it caught my eye,’ Joyce Robinson said. ‘It was a small, unpleasant looking thing on the seat, so my first instinct was to brush it off. Something made me take a closer look though.’
After taking it home and looking at it under a microscope, Mrs Robinson realised what she had found.
A government spokesperson confirmed that the credibility had been reported as missing shortly after the government was formed.
‘I am just glad it was found,’ they said. ‘I mean it could easily have been missed as it is so small, y’know after it has suffered so much – the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the way contracts have been awarded, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough.’
‘The Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the ‘totally f-ing useless’ text, Boris boasting of having shaken hands with Covid patients and then going into intensive care with the virus, the way care homes have been treated in the pandemic, not taking any steps to ease the broader social care problems, Jennifer Arcuri – and now, the final straw, Hancock being caught snogging his mistress.’
‘Anyway, I’m just glad we’ve got it back. It is now perfectly safe here on my desk. Wait a minute, where’s it gone? It’s completely disappeared! Oh god, what has one of the clowns done now?’
Categories: Fake News
If Blakey finds out we’ve lost the MoD Documents Jack we’ll be for the High Jump
Categories: Fake News
Prostitutes dismayed at missing out on honours list again
The hardest working sector of trade and industry has once again been overlooked in the Queen’s honours list. Representatives of horizontal dance groups and other angles have expressed bitter dismay at once again not being considered for even an entry level MBE.
Strictly Dominatrix from Slough said, “During the last couple of years, we have been the hardest hit. I mean, our industry has had no support, and it’s not like furlough has been laid on a table in front of us. We are front line essential key workers like any others, but we were offered no personal protection equipment, and not even a bump up the jab list.”
“Our members have been risking it all out there on the streets, but we haven’t had one peep of recognition for what we do. We had high hopes that our hardest working girl, Pumpy Breasticles, was going to be honoured for services to services, but she has been let down again.”
“Our assets have been stripped bare, and we’re clinging on tightly like our lives depend on it. That’s despite the fact some of our girls and boys are better connected than Newmarket pub landlords. Phillippa Phuckingham-Phallus regularly tends to the needs of royalty, and Stiffy McWhip has had half of the Government Cabinet. Sometimes in actual cabinets. But absolutely nothing for any of us. It’s a real slap in the face.”
Categories: Fake News
Cameron and Clegg to form ‘sorry duet’
Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a ‘duet’ to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, ‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’, ‘Careless Whispers’ and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.
The talented pair were convinced to put their solo singing careers to one side, after delighted fans overheard David Cameron rehearsing an old favourite by Dead or Alive; ‘you spin me right round (like a record, baby)’, with Clegg backing lustily in the House of Commons toilets. The Chief Whip admitted the pair had some artistic differences, but that they were made to be together. ‘We have been trying to convince them to sing from the same hymn sheet for ages now. They have a huge fanbase, particularly among Labour back benchers’.
The coalition faithful are speculating wildly about the stage name the pair will play under, with ‘No Direction,’ ‘The New Jonas Brothers’, ‘So Busted’ and ‘Colour me Blue’ all being touted as favourites.
Categories: Fake News
Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done
Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.
Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.
Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.
There’s not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn’t already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.
His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of ‘why Hancock is a palm penis’ for just the seven hours.
Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?
Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, “Fuck off, Hancock.”
But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:
“Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, ‘No, my cheese.’
Categories: Fake News
