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Man has nervous breakdown trying to open liquid hand wash
A man has been caught in a serious altercation with a liquid hand wash after repeatedly trying to turn the pump action cap to no avail. Mike, 42, spent three days solid attempting to twist the lid in the right direction. He reportedly pummeled the hand wash to ‘within an inch of its life’ before eventually collapsing in a heap on the bathroom floor having suffered a mental breakdown.
Mike is now being cared for in a secure facility. His partner, Kate, saw this coming for a long time: ‘If it hadn’t been the hand wash, it would have been the child-proof cap on the mouthwash or the allegedly ‘resealable’ pasta bags. Mike was constantly plagued by his inability to work basic packaging. He did his best, but unfortunately he suffered terribly with clumsy sausage fingers so it was only a matter of time before it pushed him over the edge.
The worst part is that he didn’t realise the hand wash was actually one of those refillable tubs so it didn’t have a pump action at all. He was trying to achieve the impossible. What an awful waste – it was the expensive stuff too’.
Categories: Fake News
Jeremy Kyle fails to sort out Henry VIII’s love life
TV host Jeremy Kyle has admitted defeat in his bold attempt to distract Tudor monarch Henry VIII from his bid to divorce his middle-aged wife and overthrow the authority of the Papacy. The episode, entitled ‘You Had Sex With My Dead Brother, You Slag, Now God Won’t Give Me Any Sons’, is due to be aired next Wednesday.
Spanish-born Cath had contacted the show, complaining that Henry had left her for a much younger strumpet after nearly 20 years of marriage, because she had originally married his older brother Arthur, who died a few weeks later. Henry had thought this had caused their marriage to be cursed by the Almighty.
‘He finks I shagged Arthur to death but he never touched me,’ Cath told the show. ‘I’m like, 100% I’ll pass the lie detector. And if you ain’t married to me proper, why do you still come in stately procession to my chamber at least once a month? It’s cos that flat-chested [BLEEP] you’ve been after since 1526 ain’t giving you any, innit?’
Confronted by a hostile Kyle, Henry was immediately on the defensive. ‘My mate Wolsey who was a cardinal said that verse in Leviticus – shut the [BLEEP] up – means you can’t have sons if you marry your dead brother’s wife. You can [BLEEP] ask him. Well you can’t, cos he died on the way back from York to get beheaded for cocking the annulment up but he, like, totally said that,’ the enraged king told the studio audience.
Jeers and calls of ‘Whore!’ erupted as Henry’s new girlfriend Anne strutted onto the stage, flashing her French learning at Cath, who had to be restrained from punching her in the stomacher. After a few summary floggings, order was restored and Kyle revealed that the lie detector test proved Cath to be telling the truth. However, Henry defiantly said that his new mates Cromwell and Cranmer were going to sort it and those [BLEEP] Fisher and More had better not piss him off any worse or the monasteries would totally get done.
‘Sometimes I can’t make people do the right thing,’ Kyle concluded. ‘You go that way,’ he told the sobbing Cath, ‘and our team will help you find a nice nunnery. You two go the other way and Anne, love, don’t lose your head over him, he’s not worth it. Next up, it’s Robert from Leicester, who will ask Liz why she won’t marry him now he’s had his first wife killed by throwing her down the stairs.’
Categories: Fake News
Chaos and confusion as Matt Hancock attends cabinet meeting
In a leaked transcript of the latest Tory Cabinet meeting, it appears chaos and confusion ensued when ministers found Matt Hancock already seated at the table, despite him resigning last week
‘Hi guys,’ he said to his dumbfounded former colleagues. ‘God, it’s great to be back. That break was just what I needed, but here I am refreshed and ready to tackle this ruddy pandemic, if you’ll pardon my French!’
Silence fell on the room, as Mr Hancock continued to grin and look desperately at the Prime Minister.
It was Michael Gove who broke the silence, saying: ‘But, Matt, you resigned as a minister, you resigned from the Cabinet.’
‘Oh, that! Well, it’s been a fair few days now, surely that whole affair has blown over now, no pun intended,” Mr Hancock said. “I mean it’s not as though you had to sack me, not really. And Boris, you said in your letter that my contribution to public service was far from over.’
The entire Cabinet turned to Boris Johnson. ‘Well? What do you think big man? Rishi Sunak asked.
Mr Johnson responded by saying: ‘Oh, err, crikey,’ before going on to repeat a number of comments about the vaccine rollout and Latin phrases.
Sajid Javid reportedly lost his cool at this point. ‘Oh for god’s sake! I had to wait over a year to come back to the front bench,’ he shouted. ‘Are you seriously thinking of letting this moron back in after just a week? I resigned on principle, he resigned as he had become a bloody laughing stock.’
‘Steady on Saj, no hard feelings,’ said Hancock.
What Mr Javid said in reply has not been redacted but led to him being physically restrained by Dominic Raab. ‘Leave it, he’s not worth it Saj,’ Mr Raab said, as at the same time Gavin Williamson and Robert Jendrick stood in front of Hancock and told Javid ‘he would have to come through us first.’ The rest of the Cabinet took sides and began squaring off and shouting at each other.
‘Enough, Priti Patel said very quietly, and despite the shouting she was immediately heard. All members of the Cabinet instantly froze.
Mrs Patel led Mr Hancock into the corner and whispered some unknown words into his ear whilst making a few hand gestures. ‘Am I understood?’ she asked at the end, and a terrified Mr Hancock nodded quickly before collecting his things and scurrying out of the room.
The meeting then resumed and took its normal self-congratulatory course.
Mr Hancock’s current whereabouts are unknown.
Categories: Fake News
Williamson plans to scrap bubbles in schools will hit sales of Aero in tuckshop
Categories: Fake News
Disappointment in royal box as Germany lose
Categories: Fake News
‘The history of the teaspoon’ and other thrilling radio 4 documentaries
Radio 4 has aired a series of absolutely thrilling documentaries covering a range of hard hitting topics. The station is hoping to appeal to younger listeners with the release of these ‘hip-to-the-groove’ programmes rather than their usual demographic of boring, old, posh people. Here are our favourites:
1. The History Of The Teaspoon – from conception to cup in 53 episodes
2. Cravat Etiquette – when to cravat and when not to cravat
3. The Archers ‘unleashed’ : Kate and Alice get dirty on the farm whilst cleaning out the cow shed
4. Jigsaw Puzzles – the best, the worst and the just-about-acceptable
5. Agricultural Trends of 2021 – pimp my tractor special
6. The UK Drill Scene – getting groovy with DIY
7. Rural Stenches – classic smells of the countryside identified for listeners
8. Masterwave – tense competition as contestants prepare microwavable ready meals against the clock for vindictive judges Anne Robinson and Nick Hewer.
9. How to talk to the servants by Jacob Rees-Mogg.
A spokesperson for Radio 4 said: ‘We are fully committed engaging youngsters because a lot of our current listenership are dying of old age which isn’t great for ratings. We even had an under 60 tune in the other day, so it shows how well our new strategy of ‘getting down with the kids’ is working.’
contributions by SteveB & Lockjaw54
Categories: Fake News
Chris Witty loses his shit and puts two men in hospital
‘It was amazing,’ said an eye-witness. ‘One minute they were taunting him: pushing him around and taking selfies as they held him in choke holds. The next, he let out a bullish roar and punched them in the chest. One clown ended up in a skip and the other hit the side of a bus. Respect due.’
But what can have caused this response from erstwhile mild-mannered, soft-spoken Chief Medical Officer? A Dept of Health insider confided that he was accidentally scratched on the hand by Priti Patel a couple of weeks ago. He believes some of her nanobots entered his bloodstream and have now reproduced to a concentration that he is developing superpowers.
‘I saw him photoshopping his face onto a picture of the Hulk the other day. We’re now calling him Two Jabs round the office … when he is out of earshot, obviously.’
Categories: Fake News
Emergency picnic hampers ‘really could save lives’ claim French traffic police
The Ministry of Transport in Paris confirmed yesterday that anyone driving in France must carry an ‘emergency hamper’, designed to ‘minimise risk of hunger in event of mechanical failure at lunch time, more than 2.4 kilometres from a brasserie’.
The new rule was immediately dismissed as a ruse to collect fines from unsuspecting foreign motorists, particularly after it was revealed traffic cops have undergone training in ‘checking that what they’ve got in the basket looks like the kind of meal Juliet Binoche would throw together for a few friends on a hillside’.
‘If you want to drive in our country you should respect our laws,’ said a spokesman, ‘and the law requires you to carry two fresh baguettes, some perfectly ripe brie, a half carafe of appellation controllee red wine or better, and a gingham picnic blanket with the checks no bigger than 10 cm. Even you Rosbifs should be able to manage that’.
The ministry pointed out that original plans, which required the wicker hamper to double up as an emergency shelter/life raft/undercarriage of a hot air balloon should you need romantically rescuing from a ravine, had already been watered down considerably.
Other European countries are looking at the scheme with interest, with the Swiss ‘fairly certain motorists could benefit in a crisis from a large dog with a brandy barrel around its neck’, and the Greeks pondering the possible roadside uses of ‘an inflatable Orthodox cathedral to seat at least 20 people, or pay a 1000 Euro fine’.
‘Personally I’ve no objection to all this stuff,’ said an English motorist interviewed at Calais. ‘The last time I drove across the continent, by the time I’d got the compulsory Flugelhorn, raffia donkey, Polish plumber called Yacob and fully operational spy satellite in the car there was no room for the wife and kids. Best holiday I ever had. I bloody love Europe.’
Categories: Fake News
HSE to investigate ‘Jack and Jill case’ once ‘Dumpy investigation’ concluded
Following a number of media stories about an accident involving a young boy named only as ‘Jack’ for legal reasons and his young female ‘partner’ Jill, the Health and Safety Executive have launched an investigation.
‘It is understood a young man was employed to fetch water from a remote location adjacent to a steep hill, with a metal can provided to convey the water. In the execution of his said duties,’ said a HSE spokesman, ‘he lost his footing, fell down the hill and sustained serious, potentially life changing, head injuries. It is understood that his partner attempted to dress his injuries with brown paper laced with malt vinegar,’ added the spokesman.
The HSE inquiry is understood to be wide ranging, including the apparent exploitation of minors in the workplace, insufficient risk assessments, the carriage of excessive loads, insufficient manual handling training, inadequate stairs with handrails and ‘very poor first aid training.’
‘Our inspectors will be carrying out a complete report into the accident once resources become available,’ continued the spokesman. ‘Currently they are investigating a serious fall from an elevated position also resulting in head injuries that appears to have all the hallmarks of a cover up from the royal family as soldiers assigned to the royal family have seemingly colluded to carry out “repairs” to the injured person without recourse to calling 999 or at the very least 111. Instead there is some evidence they’ve allowed equine resources to assist, which is unusual to say the least.
A spokesperson for the royal household confirmed there was an ongoing investigation, but insisted some of the injuries reported were ‘eggsagerated, or at least scrambled.’
Categories: Fake News
War Office denies Crimea plans jeopardised by secrets leak
A spokesperson briefing on behalf of Lord Cardigan said today that the discovery of top secret plans at a Hansom Cab rank would not affect the forthcoming military operations in Crimea. The documents, titled ‘Operation Valley of Death’ apparently described a cunning plan on how to neutralise Russian defences.
Reconnaissance has allegedly determined that there would be cannon to the left and and cannon to the right. The obvious solution was therefore to despatch a crack elite squadron (which reliable sources have identified as the Light Brigade) straight down the middle.
Asked about the possible impact on trooper morale as a result of this leak, the spokesperson added ‘Theirs not to reason why’
Robowurzel
Categories: Fake News
Politics to be kept out of England v Germany tie
‘When England players take the knee, it’s Marxist.’ said a white England fan who has the St George’s Cross and Union Jack on his social media, despite not understanding the difference.
‘Raheem Sterling banging on about a proletariat uprising to throw off the capitalist yoke. Marcus Rashford feeding kids! You shouldn’t mix sport and politics that I don’t like. Now, shall we sing “Two World Wars and one World Cup” or “Ten German bombers”?’
‘Anyway, 1966 and all that. What have Germany ever won… apart from the 1954 World Cup, 1972 Euros, 1974 World Cup, 1980 Euros, 1990 World Cup, 1996 Euros and 2014 World Cup. Scheisse.’
English tabloids won’t mention the war. They might mention it once, but they’ll probably get away with it.
Categories: Fake News
FIFA brings in Kirstie Allsop to makeover ‘austere’ pitch technical areas
After complaints from team managers about a woeful lack of facilities and comfort in the technical areas at this year’s competition, FIFA has said it will make some changes once the group stage of the World Cup is completed.
FIFA spokesman, Jan Williams, says: ‘We agree, the current technical areas won’t do. They’re just two painted oblongs on the grass but with no technical facilities whatsoever. Hopeless really.’
‘So we’re remedying that immediately and have commissioned Kirstie Allsop to make them over. She already suggested we install a desk, chair and laptop to enable something more ‘technical’ to happen.’
‘Also,’ continues Williams, ‘there will be a side table and fridge with some basic provisions so coaches can maybe knock up a sandwich if they get a bit peckish as the game progresses.’
Speaking at a press conference in Moscow an excited Allsop explained: ‘The current TAs smack of salt mines and cold grey Russian austerity so I’m introducing additional soft furnishings.’
‘We’re fitting some curtains across the width of each one for some privacy and we’re matching these with a nice three-seater sofa should the coaches wish to entertain guests during the game.’
England Gaffer, Gareth Southgate, is said to be delighted by the proposed changes. He told Gary Lineker: ‘I’ve spoken to Kirstie and asked specifically for a leather armchair, mahogany desk, hat stand and velvet smoking jacket to be provided for our games to completely Anglicise my area and to make me and the lads feel more at home.’
Categories: Fake News
PM rallies nation and rescues culture with epic Cabaret reworking
Instead of running the country and making decisions which would have saved tens of thousands of lives, the Prime Minister has been busy tending to his true passion of remaking the classic hit musical ‘Cabaret’
“It has been my lifelong ambition to bring the tried and tested ideological ideals of 1932 Germany to stage, screen and British politics,” oozed a glassy-eyed Boris Johnson with a thousand yard stare, arms crossed behind his back and unconsciously clicking his heels together
“My glorious reinterpretation will be called ‘Cabinet’, written by me, directed by me, starring me, and reviewed in the press by me as a world-beating all-round world-beater, with me as King. And the genius of it is that it does away with characters who are foreign, foreign sounding, or even a teensy bit foreign looking”
“The plot opens with a tribute to the First Realm of British Empire, transitioning into the celebrated Second Realm with a matriarchal leader called Margaret Thatcher, and climaxing splendidly with a thousand year Third Realm led by – well – me“
“The song ‘Money, Money’ will feature throughout as a leitmotiv, reminding everyone what it’s all about”
“The part of the Emcee in the rather erotic number ‘Two Ladies’ will be played by a reclining Jacob Rees-Mogg, heavily made up in false eyelashes, ruby lipstick, and sexily clad in stockings and suspenders, closely accompanied by the 2 literally strapping young ladies Dildo Hardin and Loose Truss. But then, he springs up into a high-kicking goose-stepping routine of song and dance, which brings us right into my glorious Third Realm – Huzzaaaah!”
“The closing scene and grand finale of ‘Tomorrow Belongs To Us’ being taught to school children is so powerful that it will be retained, and indeed made law in schools throughout England”
This somewhat too realistic film “Cabinet” will be released soon, rather sooner than you think
Sinnick & SteveB
Categories: Fake News
