Feed aggregator
Indian Premier League 2025: Axar Patel named Delhi Capitals’ IPL captain
India international Axar Patel is the last IPL 2025 captain to be named as Delhi Capitals make belated announcement.
Categories: South Asia
Hamas ‘ready’ to hand over Israeli captive and four bodies held in Gaza
The Palestinian group agrees to resume talks, promising to free Edan Alexander and hand over four captives' bodies.
Categories: South Asia
What are Putin’s conditions for a ceasefire in Ukraine?
As Zelenskyy accused Putin of preparing to reject the ceasefire, Trump deemed Putin's words 'promising but incomplete'.
Categories: South Asia
“Secret” talks to displace Palestinians justifies “shame list
The forced displacement of Palestinians is a “red line that should not be crossed,” says professor Tamer Qarmout.
Categories: South Asia
MSF warns of ‘rapidly spreading’ outbreak as cholera kills 31 in Ethiopia
The charity says the situation has worsened with the arrival of refugees from South Sudan, where thousands are infected.
Categories: South Asia
Video captures moment Argentinian police shoot photojournalist
There are demands for Argentina’s hardline security minister to resign after police shot a photojournalist in the head.
Categories: South Asia
Formula One: South Africa bids to return F1 to continent – where, when, how
Al Jazeera looks at the bid to bring Formula One back to the African continent for the first time in 32 years.
Categories: South Asia
Musk’s never been more powerful so why are Tesla shares tanking?
Sales of electric vehicles are down as Musk's involvement in politics becomes a 'distraction', experts say.
Categories: South Asia
UN chief visits Rohingya refugees in Bangladesh as hunger fears rise
Antonio Guterres' visit comes after WFP says it may have to halve food vouchers for Rohingya starting next month.
Categories: South Asia
Trudeau ending tenure as Canada’s PM ‘at his best’ amid Trump threats
As Justin Trudeau formally steps down, experts say he will be remembered as 'reassuring' figure in face of Donald Trump.
Categories: South Asia
Did Putin’s fatigues signal Russia’s resistance to a ceasefire in Ukraine?
The Russian president, who carefully cultivates his image in the media, dressed in camouflage when visiting Kursk.
Categories: South Asia
Tight security as ruling expected in South Korean president’s impeachment
Security is tight around South Korea’s top court where protesters are waiting to hear the final ruling on President Yoon
Categories: South Asia
Rashford named in Tuchel’s first England squad
England manager Thomas Tuchel recalls forward Marcus Rashford to international fold - a year after his last appearance.
Categories: South Asia
Alcaraz’s Indian Wells three-peat bid on track with Draper next up
Spain's Carlos Alcaraz overcomes Francisco Cerundolo to set up semifinal meeting with Jack Draper at Indian Wells.
Categories: South Asia
Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science’
The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.
Johnson and Hancock’s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’
A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s ‘doing the exact opposite’ research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:
– The ‘delay in taking any action whatsoever’ strategy
– The ‘not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy
– The ‘Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group’ strategy
– The ‘let’s go for herd immunity’ strategy
– The ‘don’t bother with facemasks’ strategy
– The ‘we’re not listening to the WHO’ strategy
– The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it’ strategy
– The ‘abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown’ strategy
– The ‘let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead’ strategy
The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn’t have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.
‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject’, said the spokseperson. ‘However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’
Categories: Fake News
Fears for life expectancy in Scotland triggered by Scottish Widows getting so much younger
Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.
Experts in looking at women and assessing their relative ages examined Scottish Widows adverts over the past few decades and have declared that they are definitely getting younger. Professor Iain James explained, ‘We went back all of the way to the the 1980s and had a stab at guessing the ages of each Scottish Widow smirking knowingly in her black hooded cape.
‘What we found was shocking. Firstly, there was not one wrinkly old Scottish Widow with missing teeth in her 70s. There was one who might have been in her late forties, but her skin was as smooth as a plump haggis and her perfect white teeth glistened in the Glasgow rain.
‘But I’m afraid it gets much sexier. You can see that every few years each one is replaced with a younger model: Early forties; then late thirties; and by the 2010s she is early thirties, tops.
‘In the latest Scottish Widows advert she looks about 23. That can’t mean anything else other than the men they were married to are dying much, much younger than we had previously dared consider.
‘At these rates, we estimate the population of Scotland will be -17 in 2041.’
Categories: Fake News
Random story generator deployed at The Sun
It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:
A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.
Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].
[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”
We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.
Categories: Fake News
Alan Sugar under fire for bogus apprenticeship scheme
The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices. Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years. Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.
‘We first contacted Sugar after hearing that the search for his apprentice was continuing,’ reported David Peters, from the national fraud unit. ‘We suggested a 4-year Modern Apprenticeship to meet his needs. He seemed to have no idea about the new national qualifications framework and standards. He asked whether we were talking about a new public sector task planned for week 4, and whether our apprentice could ‘smell what sells’. He also assured us his training was accredited by the school of hard knocks and the University of Life, before hanging up.’
Suspicions aroused, Peters started to track Sugar using covert surveillance, 30 cameras, and a full symphony orchestra playing that well known bit from Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights.
Sugar proved elusive however, cleverly rotating his ‘apprentices’ around London townhouses, transporting them in separate chauffeur-driven black cars, and, in one notable episode, moving them to an antique shop in Northern France to avoid detection.
However, undercover police were able to gather slo-mo images of the workers striding purposefully across Millenium Bridge in business suits at 9 p.m. every Thursday on prime-time television. Together with surprisingly clear recordings of conversations about work tasks, shouted by the workers into a cell phone on speaker mode, a case against Sugar’s scam scheme was gradually built up.
‘This was no apprenticeship, just ritual humiliation, the effects of which will last a lifetime,’ noted Peters. ‘Spot checks at 5 a.m., required to parade for Sugar in tight-fitting Calvin Klein and Agent Provocateur underwear. That footage was, I have to say, tantalisingly brief. One particular worker was ordered to dress as a receptionist, and forced to repeat the phrase ‘Lord Sugar will see you now’, whilst the businessman pleasured himself behind a frosted glass screen. His henchmen, called simply ‘Claude’ and ‘Karen’, would stand guard, looking on impassively. Truly horrific.’
‘Self-centred, power hungry, a despicable individual,’ concluded Peters. ‘Enough about Katie Hopkins, though, this is about naming and shaming Sugar. Unfortunately, lowlife chancers like him inevitably turn up again, typically in professions where standards and ethics are much lower. Just look at Donald Trump.’
Categories: Fake News
