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EU eye Trans-Pacific trade deal enviously

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/25/2021 - 7:00am

The new deal announced today, filling a ÂŁ68 billion drop in sales to the EU with a wholesome ÂŁ1.7 billion deal involving mainly bananas, was described by Prime Minister Johnson ‘exactly what we promised you – less money being spent on us, more airmiles to Johnny Foreigner places.’

The EU trade negotiators have quietly downloaded Lis Truss’ CV from LinkedIn and are thought to be putting a hostile bid to snatch hew away from the British negotiating team as soon as possible. ‘With skills like hers we can’t afford to squander the opportunities she creates,’ said an envious EU trade expert. ‘She makes small gains look huge and huge losses appear as if they don’t count. If only we had her negotiating skills on our team.

A spokesperson for Ms Truss insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. ‘I’ve seen her appraisal, popularity ratings and, crucially, her passport has been locked away in a drawer until she produces something – anything – remotely useful. Off the record, obvs,’ he added.

Categories: Fake News

HMS Defender ‘played out of position’

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/25/2021 - 4:00am

The Type 45 guided missile destroyer HMS Defender was recently involved in some slightly spicy shenanigans in the Black Sea, near to Russia or Ukraine, depending on who you ask.

A Royal Navy spokesman said ‘Keep politics out of football? Cry me a river.’

He did concede that HMS Defender was being played out of position.

‘It’s so easy to get total war mixed up with total football. We want to play with greater fluidity as we are, by definition, in the sea. So HMS Defender was playing closer to HMS Midfield Pivot to help us move things forward.’

‘We’ve got two HMS Willing Runners moving out wide and HMS False Nine drifting all over the place up front
 actually, is it supposed to be doing that?’

Categories: Fake News

UK to drop ‘UK’ from name

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/25/2021 - 2:30am

The government is in early discussions with brand consultants over concern that having ‘UK’ in the UK’s name could be a contributory factor to the slow economic recovery. A sum of ÂŁ9.5millon has been set aside to come up with a new brand, but experts say it is unlikely to contain the letters UK, or Britain, or GB.

‘Made in the UK no longer seems to resonate with our overseas customers, but that’s perhaps because we no longer make anything,’ said an eminent brand consultant. ‘We could just lie and say ‘Made in China’. That seems to work for the Chinese.’

‘Alternatively we could simply shorten UK to K,’ he continued. ‘After all, the nation is not particularly united, but it is a kingdom. Then again as we presently have a queen not a king, we could just call it Q. But that name’s been taken by a music magazine, so it could get confusing.’

For an interim period the nation will be known as ‘the nation formerly known as the UK’.

Categories: Fake News

Artificial Intelligence used to complete teenager’s art GCSE

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/24/2021 - 11:00pm

Following the successful completion of a previously lost section to Rembrandt’s ‘Night Watch’, where the computer has added images of a man standing, a boy running and a drunken painter mooning, the technology has been deployed to help GCSE students in Art get a decent grade.

‘The economy is highly dependent on young adults being able to crayon effectively, particularly between the lines, and this software will help them do just that,’ said an AI expert today. Brandon Hedges, 16, is notably enthusiastic when actually awake. ‘I couldn’t get a decent grade in art thanks to lockdown,’ he insisted, although his art teacher Mr Marples disagrees. ‘Hedges is a lazy bastard who can’t hold a crayon the right way up, but at least the software saves me from predicting a bare pass for the useless prat,’ he said between supping pints of stout in the staff room. ‘I’m not allowed to predict a fail, apparently. It has to be a grade. Fail is definitely a grade,’ he added.

Brandon’s final submission titled ‘a line I drew’ was originally a line in red crayon delivered diagonally across a sheet of lined A4 paper. The modified AI version shows an intricate scene where Brandon is running and his art teacher is mooning through a window. The AI creator admitted that the software does have a limited imagination. ‘Just like all sixteen year old art students,’ he said.

Categories: Fake News

Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/24/2021 - 7:00am

Under the guise of monitoring student obesity, the Government are sneakily testing to see if children are smuggling in guns in their socks. Said a teacher: ‘It’s very humane. We get them to sit on an industrial scale and a klaxon goes off if they’re a fatty. A trap door then opens and a horde of Oompah Loompas carry them off to be strip searched’.

Explained one Headmistress: ‘We caught one lad claiming his suspicious bulges were the result of puberty, but his trousers revealed a cosh and two dangling grenades. We’ve had lunchboxes stuffed with submachine guns and one girl had nunchucks concealed in her alice band.

‘We can also weigh them to see if they are carrying drugs. We had one six year old who had put on two stone overnight, due to an enormous stash of cocaine in his rectum. Of course, not every fat kid is packing weapons, some are the weapons. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler sit on someone to death?’

Explained one Schools Minister: ‘We’re naturally suspicious of any child that puts on weight, God knows we’re not feeding them’. Asked if was possible that extra weight was a text book, he replied: ‘Don’t make me laugh. We banned them before we banned knives’.

Categories: Fake News

Mars Perseverance Rover decides ‘Mars is shit’

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/24/2021 - 4:00am

After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that ‘Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo’. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was ‘just an over-hyped DGI drone’. ‘It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I’m stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.’

Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape – ‘done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick’ and looking for signs of earlier life. ‘I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn’t leave they’d probably have topped themselves, which isn’t a bad idea’ said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.

The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance’s TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance’s views. ‘I think it’s great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? – Not a euphemism, you understand,’ it said today. ‘I take PayPal.’

Categories: Fake News

Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cant’s passing

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/24/2021 - 2:30am

The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.

After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.

The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.

Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.

Categories: Fake News

Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cant’s passing

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/24/2021 - 2:30am

The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.

After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.

The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.

Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.

Categories: Fake News

Government insists all children hum the tune of The Dam Busters

News Biscuit - Wed, 06/23/2021 - 11:00pm

On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing ‘Strong Britain, Great nation, No irony’ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from ‘Antiques Roadshow’, ‘Coronation Street’ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show ‘Minder’

Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain’s colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.

In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK’s proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy’s ‘Firestarter’ and ‘Remember you’re a Womble’.

A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson’s crude propaganda tool: ‘At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut’. Despite UK ministers insisted: ‘Small children singing patriotic songs, what’s not to like? It worked for Hitler’.

Categories: Fake News

Government’s Woke Department demolishes Somerset House as it’s not in Somerset

News Biscuit - Wed, 06/23/2021 - 7:00am

An official government LGBTQ person has announced that a famous neoclassical non-descript building overlooking the River Thames is to be torn down. It will be replaced by a farmers’ market and a large car park, exclusively for green EV tractors.

Activists have been lobbying the government for years, campaigning for an official apology from the Prime Minister and the payment of substantial reparations to Somerset.

‘We can’t have a building named after Somerset when according to all known records and ordnance survey maps, it’s not even located in Somerset. It doesn’t make any sense.’

‘We found it by accident when Frank’s Sat Nav on his Toyota Diesel Landcruiser started playing up as we drove through central London. He made the startling discovery that we were not Somerset, and not only that, nowhere near its borders. Apparently, it’s been this way since at least 1776. So the sooner we have this monstrously socially unjust Dickensian edifice torn down, the better.’

Asked where all the tenants of the building complex would be located, He/She/They/His/Her/Its/WTF, suggested Wokingham might not be a bad idea as they were pushing Boris to have the town replace London as the nations capital city.

Categories: Fake News

Tory planning system change will lead to new homes in flood zones

News Biscuit - Wed, 06/23/2021 - 4:00am

A radical blueprint put forward as a “once-in-a-generation reform” from the government has the aim of sweeping away “slow and complex” planning laws.

The shake-up, a central part of the prime minister’s “build, build, build” agenda, includes automatic planning approval for new homes on land earmarked for growth, however low-lying.
The revolution is published in a government consultation paper, Planning For The Future, pushed by Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick just weeks after he became embroiled in a planning row.

The changes come after record donations from housebuilders to Conservative Party funds. House building companies wil make up a large portion of the representatives on the planning boards. There are no plans to include climate scientists in those decisions.

A spokesman for a green campaign group said “We fear the plans will lead to new builds that have to be abandoned in just a few decades due to sea level rise. Some of the likely build zones are in extremely dangerous coastal areas, like for example Norfolk or London.”

The Labour Party have said they intend to sink this bill at the earliest opportunity.

Categories: Fake News

Dolphins ‘stop smiling the moment our back is turned’

News Biscuit - Wed, 06/23/2021 - 2:30am

New evidence from unmanned underwater cameras has proved that dolphins are only pretending to be friendly to humans and that the moment that our backs are turned, a sour and indignant expression returns to their faces.

The discovery, which will traumatise animal lovers the world over, was made when Californian marine biologist Mike Varney sensed that the smiling, chattering manner of dolphins and porpoises was somehow a little insincere. He set up a series of remote controlled underwater cameras to record ceteceans interacting with swimmers and divers and then filmed the same dolphins as they left their human companions.

‘It’s fascinating,’ said Varney. ‘As the excited eco-tourists climb onto the boat, still thrilled at their real-life encounter with wild bottlenose dolphins, you can see the dolphins turn away and their cheerful expression suddenly changes. They looked really pissed off, and were sort of tutting and looking skywards. It’s like they were saying ‘I AM SO BORED OF THIS!’

Varney’s research has also demonstrated that their high-pitched animated chattering is also contrived and phoney. Amongst themselves, dolphins manage little more than an occasional indignant grunt, and often can’t even bothered to reply to other family members.

This is the second major discovery by maverick naturalist Varney. Last year his remote controlled cameras discovered that gorillas are actually really smiley when they are left to themselves.

Categories: Fake News

Spain cancels annual balcony jumping championship

News Biscuit - Tue, 06/22/2021 - 11:00pm

One of the worlds most popular Spanish speaking countries, Spain, has been forced to cancel one of its most lucrative and popular sporting events, due to covid reasons.

‘We need the imbecilic English to come back in their self-destructive droves’, said Alberto De Cosa, Assistant Manager at the main hosting stadium, the prestigious half-star Golden Palm hotel, next to the recycling incinerator plant in Marbella.’

‘There is a smattering of French, Italian and German contestants here, but a tournament without the current world champions is a bit pointless.’

Darren Fincher, the UK’s No.1, who took over from his brother Reggie following a dramatic pool miss incident last year, said he was absolutely gutted.

‘I’m absolutely gutted,’ said Darren. I’ve perfected the fifth-floor plunge into the main WC shaped swimming pool. So I was hoping to go one better with a sixth-floor triple somersault and synchronised belly flop through the glass roof of the restaurant and into a bucket of cold sick left over from the afternoon buffet.’

A spokesperson for UK sport said the government regretted imposing travel restrictions, even to this sporting event. ‘We deeply regret stopping people attending a world-renowned event which basically has no health and no safety. We completely understand that this makes it a popular event for elite English athletes. However, we’ve followed the science as always and concluded that balcony jumping is slightly more risky than the Covid Delta variant.

Categories: Fake News

WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead

News Biscuit - Tue, 06/22/2021 - 7:00am

Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.

A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’

Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn’t breed’.

Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.

Categories: Fake News

Law states people cannot be insulted if insult followed by smiley emoji

News Biscuit - Tue, 06/22/2021 - 4:00am

 

It is now illegal to take insult at anything which someone writes as long as it is immediately followed by a smiley face emoji.

The law has been introduced to allow individuals the freedom to be explicitly rude or nasty without the added drawback of someone taking insult.

Mike has been an online troll for years and has recently started sending unpleasant work emails too: ‘I love it, it makes me feel so big and powerful. But it’s always such a pain when there are repercussions, it’s not like the good old days where you could slag people off no end and you were held up as a hero. The woke brigade are on my back all the time, even for a bit of light hearted racism or sexism. But since the introduction of the Smiley Law it’s been a doddle. I sent Susan from finance an email this morning saying ‘shove it up your arse you pathetic witch â˜ș’ but because I included the smiley emoji there is nothing she can do about it. It’s clearly meant in a nice way’.

Mike’s employer have said they plan to text him later to tell him he’s sacked followed by a laughing emoji to ensure he finds it hilariously funny.

Categories: Fake News

Man told to return to work despite losing ability to iron his own shirt

News Biscuit - Tue, 06/22/2021 - 2:30am

An angry office worker has been left speechless after his manager told him to return to work despite not being able to iron a shirt.

“They told me to go back in this morning after only giving me a weeks notice. I haven’t ironed a shirt, knotted a company tie or had a shave for that matter in ten weeks and they’re not providing any training or support. It’s appalling,” fumed Ian Duncan, 35.

“I picked up the iron last night. It’s one of those fancy-dan anti-scale, anti-drip, multi-function jobs, but I couldn’t find the stubborn creases setting on the dial. Then I completely forgot how to iron. It’s a highly stressful situation. I mean, where do you start? Sleeves? Collar? Front or back?

I completely lost it to be honest. I’m going to put the iron on its ‘temperature of molten lava’ setting, burn an iron shaped hole in the company shirt and send it to Malcolm. After that me and Sandra will take off for sunny Frinton.”

Categories: Fake News

Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/21/2021 - 11:00pm

In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.

The swap itself had many similarities to John le CarrĂ© fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.

Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’

A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.

Categories: Fake News

Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/21/2021 - 7:00am

A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.

A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters
 Lib Dem 4 life!’

Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.

‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’

All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.

Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’

Categories: Fake News

Sarah Green bye-election win inspires kids of other TV stars

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/21/2021 - 4:00am

After 1980’s kids’ TV presenter, Sarah Green, won the Chesham and Amersham by election for the Lib Dems, with a resounding majority, Newsbiscuit has learned that other former children’s TV favourites are considering a career in politics.

A spokesperson for broom cupboard loiterer and squeaky hand puppet, Gordon the Gopher, told us that he intends to stand in the Scottish local elections this Autumn, while, we hear, the Krankies and Neil Buchanan are hoping to start their own Scottish independence party, The Fandabidozi Alliance.

They, of course, are not the first TV presenters to enter into a career in politics. Both Brian Waldren and Clement Freud had successful political and television careers and who can forget that time Live and Kicking funny men, Trev and Simon, tried to overthrow the fascist regime in Bolivia in the early 2000s?

Newly elected MP Sarah Green, told our reporter, “I’m not that Sarah Greene. It’s not even spelled the same way.”

Categories: Fake News

‘Emergency Banter Generator’ wheeled out for England’s next match

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/21/2021 - 2:30am

BBC Sport has revealed that they are taking the emergency measure of installing their back up ‘Banter Generator’ along with a fail safe Stereotyping machine, ahead of England’s tie with Germany.

The BBC’s technology infrastructure manager, Matthew Haddock, described the system in detail. ‘For the past 44 years we’ve been archiving cliches, stereotypes and facts about Germany to be used at such events, although the project was started much earlier as an off-shoot of Bletchley Park. The Generators will ensure that when Lawro needs to say something about the Germans he won’t be lost for words. For example, by typing in the command ‘Steven Gerrard, Penalty box’ a phrase of ‘Oh my, Steven Gerrard’s spending more time in the Germans’ box than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape. That film where we beat the Germans in the War that also ended with us beating the Germans’.

The Generator famously broke down during the Euro ’96 match-up leaving John Motson completely stranded. He tried a few improvised lines such as ‘The Germans are pushing through the Midfield like…like…like a tank of some sort. Probably a German one.’, and ‘The German defence here just like it was in Iwo Jima back in 1957’. You can understand why we’re employing a backup this year.’

Categories: Fake News
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