Feed aggregator
‘Rejoice, the era of gruel is over’ announces workhouse treasurer
Britain’s huddled masses of urchins, scullions and paupers are today rejoicing at the news that their years of a diet of gruel are over, thanks to the goodwill of their government. ‘Kind Old Phil’ Hammond, Workhouse of Commons treasurer, has been saving up copper coins all this time, and is now able to lay on a much improved regime of crumbs purchased from the tables of some of his colleagues in the Workhouse of Lords.
Nevertheless, some professional ne’er-do-wells are still discontented, demanding a richer diet and even saying that living on gruel hadn’t been necessary. ‘Nonsense, nonsense’ remarked Kind Old Phil, ‘you see, financiers used to dine on three banquets a day and that led to the financial crash ten years ago. Naturally we had to keep them on this diet to avoid a shock to their systems – and that didn’t come cheap! But it would not do for the general populace; they would suffer indigestion.’
In response, a Mr A. Dodger of London remarked that it wasn’t rich food but double standards that made him sick, and Phil had better watch out if he didn’t want a large saveloy inserted ‘where the sun don’t shine’.
Categories: Fake News
Fuel Crisis Petrol Station Etiquette: government issues advice
HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:
1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:
a. Falling Down
b. Bullitt
c. The Purge
2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.
3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.
4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.
5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.
6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.
7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:
a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.
b. People who fought for you in the war.
c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.
d. People who spot a gap.
The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:
a. The elderly
b. Disabled drivers
c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers
d. Fuel tankers
8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.
9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.
10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.
11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.
JackYates
Categories: Fake News
Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur
The walker criticised in Blur’s Parklife song for being a gutlord and told to “get some exercise” says he has finally got his own back on the band.
Benedict Beetlebum has shed six stone since being fat-shamed by the Britpop stars more than a quarter of a century ago.
The 63-year-old says he is in the best shape of his life and is now demanding an apology from the foursome for causing 27 years of embarrassment.
“To be criticised by someone who gets up when he wants except on Wednesdays – and then merely thinks about leaving the house – is ridiculous,” said the former gutlord.
“My friend John – he’s still got brewer’s droop, sadly – wants to try to lose weight too.
“I told him it’s got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Technik: just follow simple dietary advice.”
Mr Beetlebum had hoped to hold a vigil in the park in support of obese people, but the home secretary, Priti Patel, refused permission.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: “We don’t want a bunch of fatties parading in public – that’s what the Conservative Party conference is for.”
Categories: Fake News
Three held on charges of historic crimes against music
Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding historic crimes against music. The investigation dates back to the mid-1980s.
Greater Manchester Police has not named the men but its widely believed that they are Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, the three shadowy masterminds behind PWL. A record label that saw Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan and Bananarama rise to fame, all singing the same bloody song over and over and over again.
Professor of Contemporary Music at Imperial College, Martin Emerson, explains: ‘Nearly every one of these songs consisted of the same chords, in the same key, at the same tempo, and all used the same instrumentation and an effing drum machine playing an identical pattern. Quite honestly, the repetitive nature of their output made Status Quo sound groundbreaking and innovative.’
It’s believed that one act signed to the label, Rick Astley, who only managed to escape their clutches by pretending to go and make some tea during a marathon 72 hour recording session, has now decided to blow the whistle and will be instrumental in providing evidence in any forthcoming action to be brought against the three.
When approached by BBC’s Panorama, former antipodean heartthrob, Jason Donovan, was remaining tight-lipped, but pop princess, Minogue, did make a brief statement. ‘You’d like me to tell you about what it was like working for PWL? Yeah right. You should be so lucky!’
Categories: Fake News
B*st@#d wants meeting at lunchtime
Some kind of execrable office-b*st@#d has scheduled an ‘event’ during the lunch hour, it has been alleged.
Middle manager Matt Haynes has booked a ‘Learn and Lunch’ session for staff at a local firm, despite the disgust-laden wave of silence that barrelled over his initial proposal at Monday’s Team Cuddle.
‘Matt is new and stupid’ explains resident cynic, John. ‘He needs to learn that people here don’t want any meetings at all, never mind some non-mandatory bollocks on how to save someone from a heart attack’ he added candidly.
‘And scheduling it during unpaid hours demonstrates a lack of basic planning not seen since 52% of the voters and some clown-haired idiot put us on a collision course with tinned meals and no paracetamol for 5 years’.
‘There’s no way in sufferi….oh they’re putting sandwiches on? I’m having some of that that then. Doctor in the house, Nee-Nah!, Nee-Nah!’
Categories: Fake News
Government planning to delay Covid enquiry ‘because we’re still screwing up’
Sources close to Downing Street have confirmed that the ‘smug start date’ for the Covid enquiry, originally scheduled for early 2022 on the basis that the mistakes, cock-ups and sheer blatant awarding of worthless contracts to chums would be a distant memory amid a pandemic that nobody could really recall, would need to be postponed ‘at least a year’.
Acknowledging that by the planned start date of the enquiry the country will be in lockdown four, having screwed up lockdown three by waiting just three weeks longer than the experts suggested, again, and will probably be in full swing with worthless (to the country) contracts being awarded to ministers’ neighbours, friends and pets for eye watering amounts for stuff nobody will ever use.
A spokesman claimed there was a ‘real supply problem’ in that they were running out of chums to supply contracts to. ‘If this goes on for much longer we’ll have to start giving contracts to people we don’t even know,’ he admitted today.
Categories: Fake News
‘I’m definitely honest – trust me on that,’ says Starmer with a cheeky wink.
Having gone on TV to explain that he would ditch any promise he made, in order to get elected, voters might be forgiven for thinking that Sir Keir has only a passing relationship with the truth. Delegates at the recent Labour conference were offput by the sight of Sir Keir making further pledges, with his fingers crossed. Said one delegate: ‘I don’t know who to trust? He says his name is Keir, but everyone else calls him Keith’.
Promising McDonalds’ workers £15 an hour, than instructing Andy McDonald to forbid it, was confusing – partly because of the broken commitment but mainly because everyone in the story was called McDonald.
A psychologist explained: ‘The odd thing is that no one asks him to make these pledges in the first place, he just seems to like breaking them – it’s sort of kinky. It’s like cheating on your spouse at the dinner table. He seems to get a thrill from being caught’.
An aide defended the beleaguered leader: ‘Keir is as honest as the day is long. Which is why Labour is proposing to help workers, with a new one-hour week’.
Categories: Fake News
‘Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up’, notes optimist
The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.
‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’
‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it’s 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’
‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with – they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.
Categories: Fake News
No one in any doubt Westminster can assist with Northern Ireland clown shortage
.
Categories: Fake News
Hedgehogs prepared for yet another winter lockdown
With autumn now upon us, hedgehogs across the UK are being asked to self-isolate for up to six months. Hedgehog Professor Giles Sonic said: ‘No doubt there’s a bumpy road ahead, but we need to flatten the curve and avoid another spike.’
Lake District housewife Mrs Tiggy-Winkle said that her family had faced this sort of lockdown many times before and were used to self isolating. On the prickly subject of stockpiling, she had been gathering material for some time. ‘I’ve been making a pile which leaves me comfortable. There’s enough grub on the table, and I can curl up with a discarded Chris Packham paperback. I think we need an exit strategy, though. It’s a wake-up call.’
Professor Sonic conceded this point, but concluded: ‘We’ll go under that bridge when we come to it.’
Categories: Fake News
Cast of It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum to take charge of petrol crisis.
After announcing that the army is to help resolve the fuel crisis, Grant Shapps, has confirmed that the concert party from 1970s BBC sitcom It Ain’t Half hot, Mum will be taking an active role.
The fact that most of the cast have now died does not seem to be of any concern to Mr Shapps, who is convinced that they are the best men for the job. The Royal Artillery Concert Party, will be responsible for the logistical planning and delivery of fuel to service stations all over the country, whilst simultaneously providing entertainment for queueing motorists.
A new version of the song “Meet the Gang” will be played on giant screens on the forecourts. La De Dah Gunner Graham will play piano while Melvyn Hayes, dressed as Greta Garbo, will soothe angry customers by dancing seductively around them with a feather boa and winking seductively.
Holograms of Don Estelle and Windsor Davies will sing a new version of their 1975 hit, “Whispering Grass”, now titled “Rationing Gas”, with Davies occasionally asking motorists “to show them lovely shoulders”.
A Labour spokesman claims the idea was stolen from them, citing the successful scheme last year when the cast of Are You Being Served delivered truckloads of pasta and toilet rolls to most of the UK’s major supermarkets.
Categories: Fake News
You can return to the office- you just won’t have the petrol to get home
Reports suggest that fuel shortages are part of a wider strategy to ensure the UK’s workers remain at their desks. Other policies to ensure you stay at work include hiding your shoes, locking all the doors and putting superglue on your keyboard.
A government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Petrol rationing will allow you to get into the office, but no further. Once you’ve arrived, large elastic bands will be tied to the back of your vehicle. Your tires will be let down. And we’ll be hurling your car keys into a nearby canal.’
To stop workers demanding flexible working hours, the government is bringing in inflexible travel conditions: ‘Ever wondered why offices have their lights on at night, it’s to fool you into thinking it’s still daytime. A shortage of petrol? After sleeping in office for a week, I’d be more worried about a shortage of socks’.
Categories: Fake News
Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw
As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.
“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”
The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.
“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”
Categories: Fake News
Army to machine-gun turkeys to help avert Christmas shortage
Following news that the army has been drafted in to deliver fuel to resolve supply issues at UK forecourts, it has emerged that the army will also be used to help prevent a shortage of Christmas turkeys by massacring the birds with machine-gun fire.
Farmers have warned that a turkey shortage is on the Christmas cards due to visa changes, allowing recruitment from abroad, coming too late. The idea of sending in the army to help assuage problem came to the Prime Minister when actioning a memo to deliver another raft of swingeing cuts to the military.
Head of the British Army, General Ignatius Fortesque-Smythe said the ideas was, “Top drawer.”
“My boys will attend poultry farms up and down the country and give each of the birds five rounds-rapid. That’ll show the feathery blighters.” Enthused the General. “We could even set up specialist platoons known as the Turkhas who will help us save Christmas this year but can then be treated appallingly for many years to come.
“We also have the option of calling in air strikes from the RAF, a nice dose of napalm would cater for all those lazy oiks who like their Turkey pre-cooked. Or alternatively, using modern methods, they could kill two birds with one drone, thought that might take longer.”
Labour have warned that the move could put unnecessary strain on dentists over the festive period with bullets found in turkey breasts damaging revellers’ teeth. The profession already struggles with Christmas workloads, mainly due to the toffee penny in boxes of Quality Street.
The government are also said to be giving thought to supplying each UK household with a festive sledgehammer for help with cracking their Christmas nuts…
Categories: Fake News
Ventnor man fails to acknowledge acknowledgement of traffic courtesy
Isle of Wight police were last night trying to track down a motorist who failed to acknowledge a local man’s acknowledgement of the other driver’s previous acknowledgement of his thoughtful act whilst driving.
The incident took place at around 3pm in St Martin’s Way, Ventnor. Local driver Trevor Blake, who had been heading east in his Kia Picanto when he saw a large saloon approaching from the opposite direction, said: ‘There was a removal van parked on my side, so I pulled to a brief stop in order to let the other driver pass. It was nothing really, it just made sense at the time. The other driver raised his hand in acknowledgement – I believe we also made eye contact – and I lifted I think four fingers off the steering wheel to indicate that I’d seen and appreciated his acknowledgement.’
And that’s when the trouble started. ‘I kept an eye out for the response to my expression of thanks for his gratitude, which was heartfelt and genuine, but there was nothing. He effectively blanked me. Even when we were side by side, when he had plenty of opportunity to give a friendly wave or even wind down the window to convey his appreciation verbally, perhaps with a cheery admonition to enjoy my day, he just stared resolutely ahead. I was shaking with rage. At the next safe stopping place I used my mobile telephone to contact the police.’
At a hastily convened press conference, Chief Superintendent Nick Hampton of the Isle of Wight police said that, while acknowledgements of acknowledgements of acknowledgements of driving courtesies weren’t a legal requirement in most of the UK, the law was different in the Isle of Wight. ‘The process of giving thanks for thanks can continue for many hours in the polite roads and avenues around the island. We completely understand Mr Blake’s sense of loss and we have officers with him now assuring him that our search for the culprit will continue for as long as it takes. Mr Blake thanked us for our efforts, and our officers in turn thanked him for drawing the matter to our attention. Mr Blake then kindly acknowledged our response, and I believe the officers are currently expressing their appreciation of Mr Blake’s recognition of our efforts.’
With that, the press conference drew to a close. The Chief Inspector thanked the members of the press for turning up at such short notice. ‘No, thank YOU,’ said one.
Categories: Fake News
Every Christmas to be ‘saved’ by Boris ad infinitum
Downing Street insiders have confirmed that Britain is to be subjected to an avoidable crisis every Autumn so that Boris can continue to ‘save’ Christmas for the nation.
“It’s a new Christmas tradition”, explained a Conservative spokesman. “The Victorians gave us trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution. The modern Conservative Party has added Boris Rescue to the traditions, while continuing with trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution.
“Boris and Father Christmas are already confused in people’s minds. We’ve developed artwork for a Santa with unruly blond hair and an erection. Instead of leaving mince pies and carrots by the fireplace we’re asking people to leave their teenage daughters. Could Boris impregnate them all in one night? Possibly – it’s only be a slight increase on his usual pace”.
Children will continue to write letters to Santa, though instead of toys they should ask for food.
Next year’s crisis is still at the planning stage. Civil servants are drawing up plans to have all the turkeys abducted, though they would welcome suggestions from the public.
“The ideal crisis is something entirely foreseeable and manageable, which we can somehow make 1,000% worse through a combination of poor communication and ministerial cretinism”, the spokesman explained. “It’s an inversion of the traditional role of government, which hitherto has been to make things better for the nation”.
News editors have welcomed the plan, as it will relieve the tedium of having to make up a headline once a year.
Categories: Fake News
Traumatised shopper forced to use Lidl
A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.
‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.
Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.
‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.
Categories: Fake News
